For not the first time in my life, I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me. I knew where I was in life, or I thought I was. Now I'm looking back at the past few days and wondering what the hell just happened. I don't know how I got to where I am and I am not sure how to get back yet.
I still feel strong though. I know who I am deep down. I have not lost the sense of self I found in Europe. And I am blessed for that.
But now what? What do I do after May 7th? What do I do with this diploma that will shortly be hanging on my wall? Well at least it'll become a cool wall decoration? Awesome.
College graduation didn't scare me when I had decided I was staying exactly where I already am. Grad school at UMaine - cool, whatever. Bangor - not totally exciting, but I can deal. But now it's like someone slapped me upside the head with a paddle. WHAT was I thinking? I love to travel. Bangor is NOT a city. I do not know if I could have been happy here and I do not know how I was so blinded.
The hardest part of this is the fact that my life has been thrown up in the air and I am once again here to pick up the pieces. What makes it easier than last time this happened? I know that I have amazing friends, an amazing family, and fabulous sisters to lean on. I have NEVER felt such support. I don't NEED it. I know I can be strong enough on my own, but it sure does feel amazing that I don't HAVE to do it all alone.
Facebook told me to today, "Your relationship with________ will be canceled upon saving" Well I guess it's canceled. I have hard feelings right now. I'm hurt and fairly lost. I have this numb sensation (how's that for an oxymoron?) all throughout my body.
But, whatever the next step is, I'll take it with my head high.
Until the next time.
<3
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
What I Know
"Do what's right for you, not anyone else"
Who would have thought that the answer to that could be so complex? I mean really I should know what I want out of my life. But at this point I really don't. I don't even know where to start setting up my new life tomorrow. I don't know where to live. I don't know how to move on from where I am. But at least there are some things that I do know:
1. I want to see the world.
I have been to 10 countries and somewhere between 30 and 40 of the states in our country. But I have such a thirst for travel, a "gypsy soul" as a country song quite perfectly puts it. Settling doesn't seem to be an option. To get me to settle someone would have to trick me into it.
2. I want to make a difference for animals.
I'm a vegetarian. But someone close to me recently said, "What difference do you really think you're making by just not eating meat?" I mean I don't think that I'm not doing anything..at least when people ask me why I'm vegetarian I have an answer and there is always the chance that that will influence them. But, I want to make a real difference. Open an animal shelter or help pass some awesome legislature to stop animal testing or factory farms.
3. I fall in love too quickly.
This one doesn't take much explanation. It takes me a while to truly trust someone, but I feel myself falling in love so quickly. Love and trust should supposedly go together. But not for me. I have such a love for everyone I meet. I genuinely do not wish anyone harm, even if perhaps I should.
4. I need to fall in love with a man that treats me as well as my cat does.
I know, I'm 21 and sound like a 65 year old crazy cat lady. But hear me out. My cat knows when something is wrong and will just lay by me and let me cry. But sometimes he'll be so in my face that all I can do is smile. He seems to know which is appropriate when. If he bites me or hurts me in some way, he always comes back in a loving way. He excitedly meets me at the door. He is a cat so obviously doesn't judge me. I can dance in my underwear or scream and cuss at the tv, and he honestly doesn't care as long as I fill is food bowl and pet him. And he is appreciative when I feed and take care of him. I know, my cat kind of sounds like a dog.
5. I have a new found appreciation for my friends and family.
I've been a mess lately. I've lost myself sometime in the last 9 months. I really didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to, but I tried anyway. And to my shock...people cared. My sisters reached out to me. They told me I deserve better. My family was ready to take care of me in anyway they could. And friends that I didn't feel all that close with became the rocks in my life. I appreciate them all more than they'll know. I know I have a long way to go, but I at least know I'm not doing it alone.
6. I need writing in my life.
I stray from it all the time, so I end up only writing when I'm upset. But when I wrote my last blog I was happier. And I honestly think it was because I was writing about everything and then moving on from it. I didn't care what anyone thought about what I was writing but just put it all out there. I need writing to not only get happy...but to keep myself together.
7. I still have no idea what I want to do career-wise.
I'm so scared of being miserable in my job that it's impossible for me to choose. There are a thousand things (well maybe not quite that many) that I could see myself doing, but I just can't decide. A professor? A creative writer? A wedding designer? A lawyer?
8. I want a PhD.
Pretty simple. I told my dad one day that I would be the first in our family to get a PhD and I plan to stick to that. I don't know what it'll be in or what I'll do with it...but I'll have a nice frame and put it over my desk at the very least.
9. I have an odd sense of humor.
I let someone make me think that my sense of humor was dumb and so I've lost it some. I need to find that while finding myself and really just not give a shit when someone doesn't think I'm funny.
10. I still believe in love.
My experiences with love have been hard. I've had my heart completely broken several times, but I still believe it is possible to find a soul mate and to be happy. I just haven't gotten there. And hey, maybe my soul mate is my cat? haha. Plus I'm 21 years old and have finally realized it's okay to not be married and living in a house by 25.
Until the next time.
<3
Who would have thought that the answer to that could be so complex? I mean really I should know what I want out of my life. But at this point I really don't. I don't even know where to start setting up my new life tomorrow. I don't know where to live. I don't know how to move on from where I am. But at least there are some things that I do know:
1. I want to see the world.
I have been to 10 countries and somewhere between 30 and 40 of the states in our country. But I have such a thirst for travel, a "gypsy soul" as a country song quite perfectly puts it. Settling doesn't seem to be an option. To get me to settle someone would have to trick me into it.
2. I want to make a difference for animals.
I'm a vegetarian. But someone close to me recently said, "What difference do you really think you're making by just not eating meat?" I mean I don't think that I'm not doing anything..at least when people ask me why I'm vegetarian I have an answer and there is always the chance that that will influence them. But, I want to make a real difference. Open an animal shelter or help pass some awesome legislature to stop animal testing or factory farms.
3. I fall in love too quickly.
This one doesn't take much explanation. It takes me a while to truly trust someone, but I feel myself falling in love so quickly. Love and trust should supposedly go together. But not for me. I have such a love for everyone I meet. I genuinely do not wish anyone harm, even if perhaps I should.
4. I need to fall in love with a man that treats me as well as my cat does.
I know, I'm 21 and sound like a 65 year old crazy cat lady. But hear me out. My cat knows when something is wrong and will just lay by me and let me cry. But sometimes he'll be so in my face that all I can do is smile. He seems to know which is appropriate when. If he bites me or hurts me in some way, he always comes back in a loving way. He excitedly meets me at the door. He is a cat so obviously doesn't judge me. I can dance in my underwear or scream and cuss at the tv, and he honestly doesn't care as long as I fill is food bowl and pet him. And he is appreciative when I feed and take care of him. I know, my cat kind of sounds like a dog.
5. I have a new found appreciation for my friends and family.
I've been a mess lately. I've lost myself sometime in the last 9 months. I really didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to, but I tried anyway. And to my shock...people cared. My sisters reached out to me. They told me I deserve better. My family was ready to take care of me in anyway they could. And friends that I didn't feel all that close with became the rocks in my life. I appreciate them all more than they'll know. I know I have a long way to go, but I at least know I'm not doing it alone.
6. I need writing in my life.
I stray from it all the time, so I end up only writing when I'm upset. But when I wrote my last blog I was happier. And I honestly think it was because I was writing about everything and then moving on from it. I didn't care what anyone thought about what I was writing but just put it all out there. I need writing to not only get happy...but to keep myself together.
7. I still have no idea what I want to do career-wise.
I'm so scared of being miserable in my job that it's impossible for me to choose. There are a thousand things (well maybe not quite that many) that I could see myself doing, but I just can't decide. A professor? A creative writer? A wedding designer? A lawyer?
8. I want a PhD.
Pretty simple. I told my dad one day that I would be the first in our family to get a PhD and I plan to stick to that. I don't know what it'll be in or what I'll do with it...but I'll have a nice frame and put it over my desk at the very least.
9. I have an odd sense of humor.
I let someone make me think that my sense of humor was dumb and so I've lost it some. I need to find that while finding myself and really just not give a shit when someone doesn't think I'm funny.
10. I still believe in love.
My experiences with love have been hard. I've had my heart completely broken several times, but I still believe it is possible to find a soul mate and to be happy. I just haven't gotten there. And hey, maybe my soul mate is my cat? haha. Plus I'm 21 years old and have finally realized it's okay to not be married and living in a house by 25.
Until the next time.
<3
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