Girl Code

I've been thinking a lot about how girls treat each other.  Women treat each other.  Whatever.  And I've come to the conclusion that we've REALLY got to start trusting each other more.  I know the t-r-u-s-t word is awfully hard and I'll be the first to say that there are some real bitches out there.  But 99% of the other women in the world are NOT trying to get with your man. 

I've lost two male friends in the past six months because of lack of trust.  I just cannot begin to comprehend believing that a relationship will last if you decide you need to cut your significant other off from anyone of the opposite sex.  You will forever be wondering if he is sneaking off behind your back.  And the blunt truth - he probably will be.  Not necessarily cheating - but talking to those friends that you have forbid.  This is no way to have a relationship.  It's just not healthy. I've been there.  I've lived it.  It sucks.

I know that trust takes work.  But it shouldn't take cutting ties and destroying outside relationships.  If the trust isn't there....it just isn't.  And probably there is a reason it isn't there. You have to believe that you're the apple of his eye.  Believe it.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's easy.  Or I definitely won't say you won't get burned - I know I have been.  But it's just a matter of having a little faith.  Getting burned sucks.  But from experience I can say you learn a lot more about yourself and your own needs from getting burned than you do from being in an unstable, unhappy, and trust-less relationship.

We also have to trust each other.  Trust that that other girl has enough respect for you that she isn't going to try anything - ever.  Will there be the girls that will try things? Well, yeah.  And I'm not saying to be naive.  But don't live your relationship in fear. 

There are always going to be the women out there with bad intentions.  Hell - you find your boyfriend/fiance/husband attractive - be proud that other women do too.  Let them play the jealous card - not you. Just be proud of who you are.  Trust that he isn't going to cheat.  And if you can't trust that - move on.  A very smart friend of mine has told me time and time again that every wrong relationship is just one step closer to the right one.

But hell...what do I know? I'm single. ;)

<3

On Death & Dying

I've been thinking about death a lot lately - not to sound totally morbid.  One cannot help but to do so once realizing she has been to a funeral every year for the past 4 years.  Previously I had been to 1 in my entire life and after talking to my mom, I think I may have made up the memory of the first one.  The 4 that I have been to since 2009 have been all very different but very much the same. Through each I think I've learned a little bit more about death and a lot more of the way I would want my own handled.

The first was my Gram's.  The hardest for me.  She fought hard and death was the only thing that could cease her suffering.  Though that brought peace to many of us, she was still my Gram.  The hardest thing was the viewing.  I honestly expected her to sit up and start talking - I appreciate that she did not do so - but viewings are just plain creepy.  I told my parents if anyone has a viewing of my body I will haunt them all ruthlessly.  Consider yourselves all warned.  The grave side service was hard - but at least I didn't have to sit expecting her to stand up.  The pastor who spoke, a dear family friend, has a personal relationship with my Gram.  She too was shaken by the fact that Gram had passed.  It was comforting when her voice shook and she had to choke back tears.  It meant my Gram meant something to her and had also touched her life.

The second was Ashley.  A life taken far too early.  The drunk driver that took her from us all still awaits trial - which is terrible in itself.  Let's go justice system! Though there will be no true justice because Ashley is still gone.  At her funeral I was surrounded by friends that might as well be family.  We wept together and then celebrated Ashley's life together.  She was a beautiful person and it was wonderful for us all to be together in her honor. If anything, we all found peace in the fact that we now had a beautiful angel to watch over each of us for the rest of our lives.  I hope that years and years from now, when it is my time, someone finds solace in that fact when it comes to me.  I think of Ashley often and still cannot believe she is gone. 

The third was one of my best friends' father.  His funeral was packed.  It was clear that he had touched soo many people's lives.  It was hard for my friend, and for her family, but I think that seeing all of the people that cared for Fred and for them made it easier. There were so many people packed into the funeral home that one girl actually fainted.  Now that's devotion. 

The last was for a man that had lived 103 years.  His impact on a small community here in Maine had been huge and that was made evident through the amount of attention his passing received.  But I don't really think his funeral reflected was a vibrant man he was.  It was formal.  There were jokes told, but only a few.  I want my funeral to reflect my life.  I mean I haven't really decided what my life will be but if I lived my life in the woods - hell I'd want my funeral in the woods.  Maybe a bit strange but I think funerals are taken far too seriously.  His family did an amazing job recounting the stories of the man's life however - his family was obviously very proud of who he had been.

I guess I don't have much of a point to this except that death is incredibly interesting.  But even more interesting is how the people left behind decide to honor the deceased's life. 

I think funerals should be a celebration of life.  There will be no black at my funeral.  When I was in high school I said I wanted a bounce house and an open bar.  There will always be tears associated with death, but why not do our best to make those tears be brought on by happy memories not simply because of loss?

At my Gram's graveside service the pastor told a story about tadpoles. The tadpoles would watch other tadpoles rise to the surface and never return.  They were all scared of this but knew it was inevitable. Little did they know, but they were becoming frogs and discovering a whole, new, beautiful, world.  This was of course referencing humans and what happens when we die.  I can't tell you if there is a heaven or a hell.  But I can say that the idea of a whole world beyond our own that is beautiful and peaceful after death - well that's a pretty comforting way to look at things.

p.s. I totally butchered the tadpole story - she told it quite eloquently and I attempted to find it online to share but failed.

Until the next time <3

One Year Later

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the day I finally took my life back into my own hands.  It was that day that I decided that enough was enough.  Was it easy? Hell no.  Would I go back and change it? Hell no.  I cannot believe it's been a year, but I'm so glad it has been.  One year.  One year since the mind games and manipulation.  One year since I was taught to hate myself.  I was told daily I was depressed, so I became depressed.  You can only hear things so many times before they become truth.  I was told I needed to lose weight.  So I hated the gym.  I hated food all over again.  But then one year ago tomorrow....I remembered that I am better than that.  Somehow he took away my strength.  He took away my faith in myself and my independence.  But March 14, 2011....it was finally coming to an end.

So what about now?  Now, I know I will never settle again.  It is all or nothing.  I will not look over the little things in hopes of tomorrow being better.  When all the tomorrows are bad there is something wrong.  Now, I know how strong I am.  I know I can stand on my own two feet even after being pushed to the ground emotionally day after day after day.  Now, I know how blessed I am.  I know that family really is always there no matter what - and that includes my extended family.  Now, thanks to that day a year ago I have another whole group of friends.  An awesome, fun, and fantastic group of friends that I couldn't have survived last year without.

This time last year I hated myself for letting someone change me the way he did.  But live and learn.  Live, suffer, learn, rejoice.  I truly believe that the dark days can always lead to a brighter tomorrow.  I believe that I can bounce back from anything because I have never had such dark days as I did in that year and a half I wasted on him.  My best friend once said the worst thing anyone could say to her was that she was a waste - and I agree it is an awful thing to be called or call someone.  He was and continues to be an absolute waste.

I am in no way where I hoped to be today.  Do I want to be living at home  with my parents as a college graduate? Of course not.  But I feel blessed that I had the door to walk through when I needed it.  I have 3 jobs.  I have started my own small business.  I just got a job doing something I truly believe I'll enjoy.  There is a lot to be said for that.  I have no idea what tomorrow will hold but because of that day one year ago I know that whatever it is I'll be okay.  Healing takes time.  I was never heartbroken. But I was broken and had to heal my own image of myself.  The self hatred and disappointment was worse than heartache.  I still know that I did all the right things - just for the very wrong person.

Here is to another year.  And here is especially to the year when I no longer remember that it's the anniversary of that day.  Here's to the day that his name and everything I went through doesn't cross my mind for a second. I cannot wait for that day.

Until the next time. <3

3 month update

It's been three months since the last time I wrote and I'm pretty much in the same place I was then.  I'm working 5 days a week at one job, 3 days at another, and trying to get a little "fun" money with the third.  Working hard and trying to figure out how to enjoy life at the same time. I really don't want to look back and just remember this time as the time I worked my butt off all the time - not to say that there isn't something to be said for working hard and paying your dues before things supposedly get "easier."

I got another "no" last week.  This one hurt.  I had applied for Teach for America corps and had had the opportunity to get a phone interview....but still got a "no." I'm just so sick of that two letter word.  Once I'm 100000000% fed up perhaps I'll get a three letter word instead, and no I don't mean "nay." I'm starting to try to reevaluate what I want next.  Graduate school has been lingering ever since undergrad ended, so maybe that's the right next step (if there is one).  Who knows. 

Lately my biggest issue has been a huge lack of sleep, and it really has nothing to do with the hours of work.  My sub-conscience, I think, may be trying to tell me something.  The issue is that it's doing it via wickedly vivid dreams that cause restless sleep and wake me up between 2 and 4 every morning this week.  Some of the dreams have been memorable, though I have forgotten most.  The other night I dreamt that my ex showed up at my house and proposed...just like that.  And it was as if my real-self was screaming at my dream-self to not be stupid.  My dream-self said "no" to the ex at first but in the matter of probably 30 minutes said yes to the $67 ring.  The receipt was on top of the ring. Classy? Yup.  So strange.  The other memorable one was a lot less exciting.  I'm just hoping tonight I don't have any that wake me up.  Dad suggested wine.

I am hopefully going to be writing some freelance for the weekly paper in Bangor that I wrote for last year.  I will truly be happy to just be actively writing and getting my name out there.

My previous boss at said paper suggested sites such as Goodreads when it came to jobs.  I cannot believe I hadn't discovered Goodreads before.  It is such an amazing community of book lovers.  I especially love the challenges within some of the groups.  There is also a site wide challenge for users to pick the amount of books they'll read this year.  I chose 25.  We'll see how it goes.  I just need something to make me feel like I'm using my brain.  Between making sandwiches and repeating the same spiel I have for nearly 4 years...my brain is feeling a little neglected.   Any reading suggestions are truly appreciated.  I do hope to read some of the classics that I ignored through school - hello Odyssey and Iliad - we meet again.

Other than that...I've started to teach myself to knit - so far I have a medium sized blue rectangle.  My grandmother taught me the basic stitch when I was pretty young and it was interesting to see how easily it came back to me.  But my blue rectangle does have some holes in it.  I've been trying to figure out the crazy world of finances.  Saving money is not easy - but I'm desperately trying to form the habit.  I really want at least $3000 in savings by December 31, 2012 - ya know if the world doesn't end. ;)

Until the next time I get the itch to write and vent - - xoxo, Jenn