There's nothing like a good chick flick and a solid hour and forty-five minutes of crying with 10 of your closest strangers to get the words flowing. I've been so stuck on life and decisions and growing that I think I've often forgotten to live for now. This breath. These words. It's been a long time since I've written stream-of-consciousness. And it's the first time I've done it as a public blog. But there are just so many thoughts. So many decisions. So much life to live. I love these moments that the words are spilling out of my head and all I can do is try to get home to a computer or pen and paper before that moment is gone.
Lately us single ladies have been dropping like flies. Dropping into husbands and babies and houses and planning. So a girl can look at that and be a little envious, because no matter how many times we say we don't need it, or maybe even that we don't want it, we do. Or most of us do anyway. Who doesn't want their happily ever after? Most of us are hopeless romantics at our core. There is a reason we were all crying in that movie tonight and probably most of us were hoping the girl would decide to stay. We too want to be whisked away into the sunset on a white horse by Prince Charming (or Princess Charming for some). 99% of what I write is about love. About dating. About this core desire or need to be wanted and loved. The ideal version of it....sounds amazing.
But here is what I've figured out. There are two ways this can end up. I will either remain single. Be happy. Travel the world. Go on adventures. And love my life. Or. I will fall madly, deeply, insanely in love with some man of my dreams. Be happy. Travel the world. Go on adventures. And love my life. Either way - I'm happy. This misconstrued notion that we are only half of a whole is crazy. We are whole. We don't need another half to be happy. We aren't puzzle pieces being plugged into some bigger picture where we depend on other pieces to complete us. Or at least we shouldn't be. And I refuse to be.
All I know is if I find love, again, I want that crazy kind of love. Not the comfortable kind. Not the easy kind. That's just not my style. The imperfect love that is hard sometimes but always so worth it. It's all or nothing for me. Love is supposed to add something amazing to your life - not make you feel as if you're settling.
If there is anything I know 24-years in, it's that everything truly does happen for a reason. I hated those words for so long. I didn't believe them - as so many of us don't. We hear them when we're preteens and the boy from math class just "broke our heart." It's the end of the world. No one will ever love us ever again. We're going to be alone forever. And someone - some adult probably - dries our big fat ugly tears and tells us that everything happens for a reason. Then we hate them for those words, because there is no way that we aren't supposed to be with (insert typical boy name here) forever and ever. But somewhere along the way so many of us see the bigger picture. All is exactly as it is intended to be right now. Our journeys through life have molded us just as they were intended to. Even though it down right sucks sometimes. And sometimes we never know the reason that some things have happened - but there always is one. So if I am to live happily ever after alone, with 70 cats, some great friends, and lots of wine - then so be it. I will embrace it.
My pledge to myself, is to embrace every day for every single thing it offers. Takes risks. Make mistakes - and not beat myself up for them (for more than 24 hours at least). To love life and see the beauty in it all. And lastly to know that no matter where I end up geographically or if I decide to give my heart away or keep it for myself - it is all as it was always intended to be.
Find faith in all things beautiful.
Until the next time,
Jenn
"Finish every day and be done with
it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no
doubt have crept in: forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new
day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be
encumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and
fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment
on yesterdays."- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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