All Words No Edits - No Puzzle Pieces Here

There's nothing like a good chick flick and a solid hour and forty-five minutes of crying with 10 of your closest strangers to get the words flowing. I've been so stuck on life and decisions and growing that I think I've often forgotten to live for now. This breath. These words. It's been a long time since I've written stream-of-consciousness. And it's the first time I've done it as a public blog. But there are just so many thoughts. So many decisions. So much life to live. I love these moments that the words are spilling out of my head and all I can do is try to get home to a computer or pen and paper before that moment is gone.

Lately us single ladies have been dropping like flies. Dropping into husbands and babies and houses and planning. So a girl can look at that and be a little envious, because no matter how many times we say we don't need it, or maybe even that we don't want it, we do. Or most of us do anyway. Who doesn't want their happily ever after? Most of us are hopeless romantics at our core. There is a reason we were all crying in that movie tonight and probably most of us were hoping the girl would decide to stay. We too want to be whisked away into the sunset on a white horse by Prince Charming (or Princess Charming for some). 99% of what I write is about love. About dating. About this core desire or need to be wanted and loved. The ideal version of it....sounds amazing.

But here is what I've figured out. There are two ways this can end up. I will either remain single. Be happy. Travel the world. Go on adventures. And love my life. Or. I will fall madly, deeply, insanely in love with some man of my dreams. Be happy. Travel the world. Go on adventures. And love my life. Either way - I'm happy. This misconstrued notion that we are only half of a whole is crazy. We are whole. We don't need another half to be happy. We aren't puzzle pieces being plugged into some bigger picture where we depend on other pieces to complete us.  Or at least we shouldn't be. And I refuse to be.

All I know is if I find love, again, I want that crazy kind of love. Not the comfortable kind. Not the easy kind. That's just not my style. The imperfect love that is hard sometimes but always so worth it. It's all or nothing for me. Love is supposed to add something amazing to your life - not make you feel as if you're settling.

If there is anything I know 24-years in, it's that everything truly does happen for a reason.  I hated those words for so long. I didn't believe them - as so many of us don't. We hear them when we're preteens and the boy from math class just "broke our heart." It's the end of the world. No one will ever love us ever again.  We're going to be alone forever. And someone - some adult probably - dries our big fat ugly tears and tells us that everything happens for a reason. Then we hate them for those words, because there is no way that we aren't supposed to be with (insert typical boy name here) forever and ever. But somewhere along the way so many of us see the bigger picture. All is exactly as it is intended to be right now. Our journeys through life have molded us just as they were intended to. Even though it down right sucks sometimes. And sometimes we never know the reason that some things have happened - but there always is one. So if I am to live happily ever after alone, with 70 cats, some great friends, and lots of wine - then so be it. I will embrace it.

My pledge to myself, is to embrace every day for every single thing it offers. Takes risks. Make mistakes - and not beat myself up for them (for more than 24 hours at least). To love life and see the beauty in it all. And lastly to know that no matter where I end up geographically or if I decide to give my heart away or keep it for myself - it is all as it was always intended to be.

Find faith in all things beautiful.

Until the next time,

Jenn

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in: forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

20s and "Dating" in 2013

I'm single (duh). I'm happily single in fact. I often think that maybe I SHOULD be dating - that dating is something I SHOULD want in my life. And then I meet some guy. It goes okay and then I remember how much I hate dating. How much I hate the games.

Girl: "Cool if I text you later?"
Guy: "Sure"

"Sure" actually means hell no you crazy bi-otch. But guys say sure because they think it'll get them some sort of credit for not being a total jerk. NEWSFLASH. It doesn't. It makes you look worse and if the girl hadn't already made a voodoo doll of you - she is making one now. Just say no. Just say, "ya know you seem like a great girl but I don't think you and I mesh well." Will she hate (aka be dramatic and think the world is ending even though she probably wasn't interested either) you for a little bit? Well yes. It is built into the extra X chromosome to be a little dramatic. We're entitled to it. But down the road she will thank you. No games. Honesty. I swear guys would have it so much easier if they would just man up and be honest. Use words like yes and no instead of probably, sure, and okay.

Online dating has become the biggest secret app on every smart phone. Well maybe if I spill my heart to a thousand strangers my true love will find me because surely he too downloaded this free app. I think online dating can work, don't get me wrong. A couple of my favorite couples met online. But I have to say I'm fully amused by free apps for online dating. It's like a feeding ground for schmucks. The pick up lines are quite amusing - Do you have a quarter? {why} So I can call my mom and tell her I just saw the girl of my dreams. And the sexual innuendos or outright "compliments" are nauseating. But the most amusing part is how accurate Brad Paisley's song, "Online," is. You really never know when you walk into that coffee shop what will really be waiting for you. Is he the Leonardo DiCaprio look alike you saw on Plenty of Fish? Or does he look more like a cross between Justin Bieber and Golum?

But none of this is my biggest issue with dating right now. Somewhere along the way guys lost their cajonas. I'm a very independent 23 year old. I have my own business. I don't need a guy in my life. So if I'm going to go on a date I want a guy to say, "Hey are you free Monday at 6?" Why yes, I am. "Awesome I want to take you to a movie and dinner." Fabulous, can't wait.  I don't want, "Hey when are you free" aka I have absolutely no idea what kind of plans I want to make but I'm going to ask you to pull out your planner and tell me when you're free just so I can waste your time. What is with the indecisiveness?! Why do the ladies now have to make the plans? Hopefully I'm just finding or dating the wrong guys but the general reaction I'm getting from my other single early-20s friends is that this is a common trend.

It may sound like it, but I'm really not high maintenance. I would be happy with a guy who can respect my independence, is honest, caring, intelligent, and can make some freakin' plans. But dating in 2013 is a whole new game and often it's hard to justify even coming up to the plate.

edit: Love you all but this is in no way meant as a woe is me I'm not dating. Just an amusing perspective on current dating trends and the annoying games. And my comment about plans - intended to be about guys having no idea what they even want to DO even if the date needs to be negotiated. ;)