Girl Code

I've been thinking a lot about how girls treat each other.  Women treat each other.  Whatever.  And I've come to the conclusion that we've REALLY got to start trusting each other more.  I know the t-r-u-s-t word is awfully hard and I'll be the first to say that there are some real bitches out there.  But 99% of the other women in the world are NOT trying to get with your man. 

I've lost two male friends in the past six months because of lack of trust.  I just cannot begin to comprehend believing that a relationship will last if you decide you need to cut your significant other off from anyone of the opposite sex.  You will forever be wondering if he is sneaking off behind your back.  And the blunt truth - he probably will be.  Not necessarily cheating - but talking to those friends that you have forbid.  This is no way to have a relationship.  It's just not healthy. I've been there.  I've lived it.  It sucks.

I know that trust takes work.  But it shouldn't take cutting ties and destroying outside relationships.  If the trust isn't there....it just isn't.  And probably there is a reason it isn't there. You have to believe that you're the apple of his eye.  Believe it.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's easy.  Or I definitely won't say you won't get burned - I know I have been.  But it's just a matter of having a little faith.  Getting burned sucks.  But from experience I can say you learn a lot more about yourself and your own needs from getting burned than you do from being in an unstable, unhappy, and trust-less relationship.

We also have to trust each other.  Trust that that other girl has enough respect for you that she isn't going to try anything - ever.  Will there be the girls that will try things? Well, yeah.  And I'm not saying to be naive.  But don't live your relationship in fear. 

There are always going to be the women out there with bad intentions.  Hell - you find your boyfriend/fiance/husband attractive - be proud that other women do too.  Let them play the jealous card - not you. Just be proud of who you are.  Trust that he isn't going to cheat.  And if you can't trust that - move on.  A very smart friend of mine has told me time and time again that every wrong relationship is just one step closer to the right one.

But hell...what do I know? I'm single. ;)

<3

On Death & Dying

I've been thinking about death a lot lately - not to sound totally morbid.  One cannot help but to do so once realizing she has been to a funeral every year for the past 4 years.  Previously I had been to 1 in my entire life and after talking to my mom, I think I may have made up the memory of the first one.  The 4 that I have been to since 2009 have been all very different but very much the same. Through each I think I've learned a little bit more about death and a lot more of the way I would want my own handled.

The first was my Gram's.  The hardest for me.  She fought hard and death was the only thing that could cease her suffering.  Though that brought peace to many of us, she was still my Gram.  The hardest thing was the viewing.  I honestly expected her to sit up and start talking - I appreciate that she did not do so - but viewings are just plain creepy.  I told my parents if anyone has a viewing of my body I will haunt them all ruthlessly.  Consider yourselves all warned.  The grave side service was hard - but at least I didn't have to sit expecting her to stand up.  The pastor who spoke, a dear family friend, has a personal relationship with my Gram.  She too was shaken by the fact that Gram had passed.  It was comforting when her voice shook and she had to choke back tears.  It meant my Gram meant something to her and had also touched her life.

The second was Ashley.  A life taken far too early.  The drunk driver that took her from us all still awaits trial - which is terrible in itself.  Let's go justice system! Though there will be no true justice because Ashley is still gone.  At her funeral I was surrounded by friends that might as well be family.  We wept together and then celebrated Ashley's life together.  She was a beautiful person and it was wonderful for us all to be together in her honor. If anything, we all found peace in the fact that we now had a beautiful angel to watch over each of us for the rest of our lives.  I hope that years and years from now, when it is my time, someone finds solace in that fact when it comes to me.  I think of Ashley often and still cannot believe she is gone. 

The third was one of my best friends' father.  His funeral was packed.  It was clear that he had touched soo many people's lives.  It was hard for my friend, and for her family, but I think that seeing all of the people that cared for Fred and for them made it easier. There were so many people packed into the funeral home that one girl actually fainted.  Now that's devotion. 

The last was for a man that had lived 103 years.  His impact on a small community here in Maine had been huge and that was made evident through the amount of attention his passing received.  But I don't really think his funeral reflected was a vibrant man he was.  It was formal.  There were jokes told, but only a few.  I want my funeral to reflect my life.  I mean I haven't really decided what my life will be but if I lived my life in the woods - hell I'd want my funeral in the woods.  Maybe a bit strange but I think funerals are taken far too seriously.  His family did an amazing job recounting the stories of the man's life however - his family was obviously very proud of who he had been.

I guess I don't have much of a point to this except that death is incredibly interesting.  But even more interesting is how the people left behind decide to honor the deceased's life. 

I think funerals should be a celebration of life.  There will be no black at my funeral.  When I was in high school I said I wanted a bounce house and an open bar.  There will always be tears associated with death, but why not do our best to make those tears be brought on by happy memories not simply because of loss?

At my Gram's graveside service the pastor told a story about tadpoles. The tadpoles would watch other tadpoles rise to the surface and never return.  They were all scared of this but knew it was inevitable. Little did they know, but they were becoming frogs and discovering a whole, new, beautiful, world.  This was of course referencing humans and what happens when we die.  I can't tell you if there is a heaven or a hell.  But I can say that the idea of a whole world beyond our own that is beautiful and peaceful after death - well that's a pretty comforting way to look at things.

p.s. I totally butchered the tadpole story - she told it quite eloquently and I attempted to find it online to share but failed.

Until the next time <3

One Year Later

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the day I finally took my life back into my own hands.  It was that day that I decided that enough was enough.  Was it easy? Hell no.  Would I go back and change it? Hell no.  I cannot believe it's been a year, but I'm so glad it has been.  One year.  One year since the mind games and manipulation.  One year since I was taught to hate myself.  I was told daily I was depressed, so I became depressed.  You can only hear things so many times before they become truth.  I was told I needed to lose weight.  So I hated the gym.  I hated food all over again.  But then one year ago tomorrow....I remembered that I am better than that.  Somehow he took away my strength.  He took away my faith in myself and my independence.  But March 14, 2011....it was finally coming to an end.

So what about now?  Now, I know I will never settle again.  It is all or nothing.  I will not look over the little things in hopes of tomorrow being better.  When all the tomorrows are bad there is something wrong.  Now, I know how strong I am.  I know I can stand on my own two feet even after being pushed to the ground emotionally day after day after day.  Now, I know how blessed I am.  I know that family really is always there no matter what - and that includes my extended family.  Now, thanks to that day a year ago I have another whole group of friends.  An awesome, fun, and fantastic group of friends that I couldn't have survived last year without.

This time last year I hated myself for letting someone change me the way he did.  But live and learn.  Live, suffer, learn, rejoice.  I truly believe that the dark days can always lead to a brighter tomorrow.  I believe that I can bounce back from anything because I have never had such dark days as I did in that year and a half I wasted on him.  My best friend once said the worst thing anyone could say to her was that she was a waste - and I agree it is an awful thing to be called or call someone.  He was and continues to be an absolute waste.

I am in no way where I hoped to be today.  Do I want to be living at home  with my parents as a college graduate? Of course not.  But I feel blessed that I had the door to walk through when I needed it.  I have 3 jobs.  I have started my own small business.  I just got a job doing something I truly believe I'll enjoy.  There is a lot to be said for that.  I have no idea what tomorrow will hold but because of that day one year ago I know that whatever it is I'll be okay.  Healing takes time.  I was never heartbroken. But I was broken and had to heal my own image of myself.  The self hatred and disappointment was worse than heartache.  I still know that I did all the right things - just for the very wrong person.

Here is to another year.  And here is especially to the year when I no longer remember that it's the anniversary of that day.  Here's to the day that his name and everything I went through doesn't cross my mind for a second. I cannot wait for that day.

Until the next time. <3

3 month update

It's been three months since the last time I wrote and I'm pretty much in the same place I was then.  I'm working 5 days a week at one job, 3 days at another, and trying to get a little "fun" money with the third.  Working hard and trying to figure out how to enjoy life at the same time. I really don't want to look back and just remember this time as the time I worked my butt off all the time - not to say that there isn't something to be said for working hard and paying your dues before things supposedly get "easier."

I got another "no" last week.  This one hurt.  I had applied for Teach for America corps and had had the opportunity to get a phone interview....but still got a "no." I'm just so sick of that two letter word.  Once I'm 100000000% fed up perhaps I'll get a three letter word instead, and no I don't mean "nay." I'm starting to try to reevaluate what I want next.  Graduate school has been lingering ever since undergrad ended, so maybe that's the right next step (if there is one).  Who knows. 

Lately my biggest issue has been a huge lack of sleep, and it really has nothing to do with the hours of work.  My sub-conscience, I think, may be trying to tell me something.  The issue is that it's doing it via wickedly vivid dreams that cause restless sleep and wake me up between 2 and 4 every morning this week.  Some of the dreams have been memorable, though I have forgotten most.  The other night I dreamt that my ex showed up at my house and proposed...just like that.  And it was as if my real-self was screaming at my dream-self to not be stupid.  My dream-self said "no" to the ex at first but in the matter of probably 30 minutes said yes to the $67 ring.  The receipt was on top of the ring. Classy? Yup.  So strange.  The other memorable one was a lot less exciting.  I'm just hoping tonight I don't have any that wake me up.  Dad suggested wine.

I am hopefully going to be writing some freelance for the weekly paper in Bangor that I wrote for last year.  I will truly be happy to just be actively writing and getting my name out there.

My previous boss at said paper suggested sites such as Goodreads when it came to jobs.  I cannot believe I hadn't discovered Goodreads before.  It is such an amazing community of book lovers.  I especially love the challenges within some of the groups.  There is also a site wide challenge for users to pick the amount of books they'll read this year.  I chose 25.  We'll see how it goes.  I just need something to make me feel like I'm using my brain.  Between making sandwiches and repeating the same spiel I have for nearly 4 years...my brain is feeling a little neglected.   Any reading suggestions are truly appreciated.  I do hope to read some of the classics that I ignored through school - hello Odyssey and Iliad - we meet again.

Other than that...I've started to teach myself to knit - so far I have a medium sized blue rectangle.  My grandmother taught me the basic stitch when I was pretty young and it was interesting to see how easily it came back to me.  But my blue rectangle does have some holes in it.  I've been trying to figure out the crazy world of finances.  Saving money is not easy - but I'm desperately trying to form the habit.  I really want at least $3000 in savings by December 31, 2012 - ya know if the world doesn't end. ;)

Until the next time I get the itch to write and vent - - xoxo, Jenn

Heart Wrenching Pets on Death Row

One of the most frustrating things for me to accept is that I can't save all the animals that need to be saved.  I am following a couple pages on facebook that post cats/dogs/horses that need to be saved because someone gave them up or threw them out and they ended up in an over crowded shelter.  I should just unsubscribe because it just depresses me.  White cats tug at my heart strings.  We have 3 that we have saved...2 are mine - Jack Frost and Suri.  Tonight there is a 10 year old white male cat listed on one of these pages that needs to be saved. It is taking all my will power to not call and save him.  But we have 10 cats.  We have 6 dogs. We have done a lot to help animals that could have ended up in the same situation.  My mom and I calculated that she and my dad (with my sister and my help) have saved somewhere around 34 cats in the 30 years they've been together. We have definitely done our share.

But let's talk about the problems.  OVER BREEDING.  There are WAY too many animals in existence because people refuse to be responsible pet owners. Kittens and puppies are adorable.  But go adopt one that another irresponsible pet owner had to give up when they realized they couldn't care for or find homes for the 8 pups their female dog just popped out. When I was little I used to think but if everyone has their pets fixed...we'll run out of puppies and kitties.  This thought seriously depressed a 6 year old.  But...now almost 22...I realize that there will always be the people that refuse to fix their pets.  Thank god for the animal shelters than can afford to neuter the pets before they are adopted...

People have big hearts.  Too big sometimes.  And too idealistic.  People adopt pets and then can't afford them or realize they just don't know how to handle them.  And then those pets end up back in the shelter where they started...on the street...abused...malnourished...etc.  Unfortunately there is no way we could ever save all of these animals that are listed on the sites that I look at.  And if we tried to...they could never each receive the love and care they need and deserve.

People have no heart.  The white cat I saw tonight is 10 years old at least.  And the previous owner had him for 10-15 years...but is now getting rid of him because his wife is now suddenly allergic?  I see some holes in this story.  Either the wife is new...the allergy is new...or its an excuse.  I could never imagine giving up any of my pets and it just seems people do it without a second thought.  Thank God someone gave up a mother and her 8 kittens so I got Jack Frost.  And thank God someone made it so Suri was born in the wild and I ended up with him. Thank God that Rahjah ended up at Bangor Humane Society and not on the street so I could come along and find her.

If you want your heart to be wrenched out of your chest... just look at the albums here... https://www.facebook.com/media/albums/?id=155925874419253 And while you're at it...if you have the time...money...save one of those cats.  But only if you truly have the space in your life and your heart.  I will force myself to not subscribe to their page in an effort to not look back and find out the fate of that poor white kitty.

Call me a fanatic. Call me a crazy cat lady.  It's all fine.  Animals take up a huge part of my heart.

Thanks for reading my rant. :)

xoxo,

Jenn

Dinner Tonight

So I don't cook very often...let's be honest.  But I do enjoy doing so.  Tonight I decided to make something vegetarian and I must say it was pretty good.  And even though this is a recipe and not my usual blogging...I wanted to share it. :)

Here is the original recipe:

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
• 2 small heads fennel, finely chopped (about 3 cups)
• 1/2 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
• 2 medium carrots, peeled and finely chopped (about 2/3 cup)
• 12 ounces white button mushrooms, sliced (about 5 cups)
• 1 small russet potato, peeled and diced small (about 2 1/2 cups)
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 cup low-sodium mushroom broth
• 1 cup whole milk
• 1 cup frozen baby green peas
• 1/4 cup thinly sliced fresh chives
• 1/4 cup parsley
• 1 tablespoon white vinegar
• 1 large egg yolk
• 7 ounces store-bought puff pastry or pie dough, defrosted if frozen

Directions

Heat the oven to 400 degrees F and arrange a rack in the middle.

Melt butter over medium heat in a 3- to 4-quart Dutch oven or heavy bottomed saucepan. When it foams, add fennel, onions, and carrots, and cook until just soft and onions are translucent, about 2 minutes. Add mushrooms and potato, season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper, and stir to coat. Cook, stirring rarely, until mushrooms have let off water and are shrunken, about 6 minutes.

Sprinkle flour over vegetables, stir to coat, and cook until raw flavor is gone, about 1 to 2 minutes. Carefully add broth and milk, stirring constantly until mixture is smooth. Bring to a simmer over medium heat and cook until slightly thickened, about 5 minutes.

Remove from heat, add peas, herbs, and vinegar, and stir to coat. Season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Turn filling into an 8 by 8-inch baking dish.

Whisk egg together with 2 teaspoons water and a pinch of salt until evenly mixed. Set aside.

With kitchen shears, cut dough to fit over the baking dish. Place dough over filling and tuck into the edges of the dish. Brush dough with egg wash and cut slits in the top to vent. Place on a baking sheet and bake until crust is golden brown and mixture is bubbling, about 25 to 30 minutes. Let sit at least 5 minutes before serving. 

The edits that I made: 

3 tbsp butter because the pan I used needed it in order to really cover the veggies and not burn

The grocery store didn't have fennel so I used 2 leeks finely chopped instead

4 carrots instead of 2

just over 3/4 cups vegetable stock with just over 1/4 cup sauvignon blanc instead of the mushroom stock

I used 8 oz of mush instead of 12

added a cup of corn

non-fat half and half instead of the milk

thyme - no chives or parsley

basil

a mccormick's general mixed spice to make sure it had flavor

8 small golden gourmet potatoes instead of the 1 russet

I didn't bother separating the yolk from the egg either.

I used the pastry puff found near the frozen pies and it was amazing for texture

I baked it for around 27 minutes and let it stand for around 10 to thicken up!

I served it with a small side salad.

My dad is a meat eater and even really seemed to enjoyed it.  It was perfect for a cool fall night and extremely filling.  Next time I think I'll try sweet potatoes in it. :) 

Now on to find some more fun veggie filled recipes!! <3

xoxo 

NO!

"No, No, No, No, No." It seems like that is all I have heard in the last few months when it comes to jobs.  Yes, I can blame the economy. Yes, I can blame the fact that I live in Maine where there aren't a whole hell of a lot of jobs.  But that doesn't make "No" sting any less each time.

But what now? I have to do something.  Maybe rearrange my thoughts about the next few years?  It scares me though because last time I rearranged my goals...I ended up incredibly burnt.

Relocation?  I love Maine.  I found a whole new appreciation for this place when I went abroad.  BUT that hasn't stopped my thirst for travel and for relocation really. Plus there could be better opportunities elsewhere. I love writing.  I, of course,still don't do enough of it, but it truly is my passion.  My Honor's thesis sucked my faith in my own writing out of me.  I've never felt so discouraged...or at least not in a long time. I enjoyed writing it...or editing it...whatever.  And felt like a total let down. I hope to find a little faith in my writing again.  I miss feeling confident.

I don't even know what kind of writing I want to do anymore.  I kept expecting some great idea to hit me in the face and to be able to run like the wind with it.  Yeah I'm starting to realize I may get hit in the face with the idea...but from there...it's hard work. I think I just need to get my nose back in some books and find some inspiration.  Thank goodness for my kindle.  I have my share of life experiences that I've considered writing about...but that brings me back to a question my thesis committee asked, "Who cares?"  And would anyone care? I don't know. But maybe it's worth a shot.

Two Months Since Graduation

I graduated from the University of Maine almost 2 months ago.  So where am I now?

I'm less lost.  I have remembered who I am. I have an idea of what I want to do with my life now.  I had forgotten about my love for graphic design & am now crazy about it all over again.  I would love to be able to write & do graphic design, but right now would be happy with getting my foot in the door for either career.  It takes time though.

I have started my own business through becoming a Pure Romance consultant.  It has given me a new sense of independence & a fulfilling new found confidence.  The other great thing is that through creating my own marketing materials & website, I am adding things to my portfolio, which will hopefully help me land some stellar job.  But other than that it's fun.  And I know that I want my career to be fun.  If I could do PR for a full time living, that'd be awesome, but so far my calendar isn't filling up quickly enough for that.  Plus I'm too social to completely work on my own.  I absolutely love Pure Romance though & it has helped me to not get so stressed about finding a job with my degree.

I am getting better with hearing the word "No."  I've already gotten my share of "Nos" from companies.  I mean they all say it pretty nicely, but they still sting a little.   I'm also hearing the word "No" from people who aren't interested in participating in my Pure Romance company, I'm still working on accepting those as easily.  I read somewhere that every "No" is one step closer to a "Yes."  So, in that case, I'm about 8 steps closer to a job.

I want to move away in order to get my start.  I love my family.  I love helping with the alpaca farm.  But I still have that thirst for travel.  I have this strong desire to move away & start my career.  It isn't about running away from anything anymore; it's about running to something.  Running to my future & taking it head on. I know my family will be here for me no matter what, & I need to see more of the world, or at least the country.

I no longer blame myself for what happened in my last relationship.  I was really hard on myself for a long time.  I literally hated myself for allowing myself to get into such a mess, but I don't anymore.  I know that I loved him with my whole heart & did everything, & more, that I could for him.  I did the right things; I just did them for the wrong person.  I also now know how important my future really is to me.  I almost gave up my goals for a relationship, & even convinced myself that that was okay.  Now, I wouldn't give them up for anything.  I want to establish my career first, then a family (how 2.0 generation of me does that sound?). But I also know that I have a big heart & surrounding myself with people is what keeps me happy.  Yes, keeps me happy.  I consider myself happy once again.

I had a job interview today at a restaurant in Freeport.  I of course would love to work, but am still hoping I find something with my degree.  I want to get my career started & I guess never realized how much work it would really be, & how much time it would take, to find a job.  Awesome economy.  But at least I have a roof over my head until I can afford my own roof.

At my interview today that woman asked me if I think I'm lucky.  I paused a second, but responded yes.  We all have our shares of hardships, but we're all lucky.  I'm lucky to have such a supportive family.  I'm lucky to be healthy (minus my stupid knee).  I'm lucky to no longer be in an emotionally exhausting relationship.  I'm lucky to have graduated college.  I'm lucky that my family can afford the things we need. I'm lucky to live within 2 minutes of my Gramp and therefore am able to visit him on a daily basis. I'm lucky to have amazing friends.  I'm lucky to have my own company that is slowly but surely getting its start.

Tell me, why are you lucky?

Until the next time. :)

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The Next Step

For not the first time in my life, I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me.  I knew where I was in life, or I thought I was. Now I'm looking back at the past few days and wondering what the hell just happened. I don't know how I got to where I am and I am not sure how to get back yet.

I still feel strong though. I know who I am deep down. I have not lost the sense of self I found in Europe. And I am blessed for that.

But now what? What do I do after May 7th? What do I do with this diploma that will shortly be hanging on my wall? Well at least it'll become a cool wall decoration? Awesome.

College graduation didn't scare me when I had decided I was staying exactly where I already am. Grad school at UMaine - cool, whatever. Bangor - not totally exciting, but I can deal. But now it's like someone slapped me upside the head with a paddle. WHAT was I thinking? I love to travel. Bangor is NOT a city. I do not know if I could have been happy here and I do not know how I was so blinded.

The hardest part of this is the fact that my life has been thrown up in the air and I am once again here to pick up the pieces.  What makes it easier than last time this happened? I know that I have amazing friends, an amazing family, and fabulous sisters to lean on. I have NEVER felt such support. I don't NEED it. I know I can be strong enough on my own, but it sure does feel amazing that I don't HAVE to do it all alone.

Facebook told me to today, "Your relationship with________ will be canceled upon saving"  Well I guess it's canceled. I have hard feelings right now. I'm hurt and fairly lost. I have this numb sensation (how's that for an oxymoron?) all throughout my body.

But, whatever the next step is, I'll take it with my head high.

Until the next time.

<3